As I sit here typing, I realize it is the last Sunday of the spring season. The ever anticipated longest day of the year is right around the corner, as are fathers day and Juneteenth. It is hard not to think about what life was like last summer and the summer before. I can’t imagine anyone over the age of 8 or so years could look you in the eyes and say that this summer will be “normal.” What is “normal”? They don’t know. I don’t know. “Normal” is a nonexistent term in my vocabulary. Nothing is “normal”; it was never “normal” in the sense of its true definition. What the fuck IS “normal”?!
nor·mal| ˈnôrməl |
1. conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
1. the usual, average, or typical state or condition
as I am sure most do. “JUNE 10th, YOU SAID?!” Exasperated I was as I exclaimed my heavy disbelief that quarantine was to last from that very day in March to June 10th. Oh, to sit and laugh at the minds of us all back then. Too antsy and squeamish about fathoming a life of even just two weeks to ourselves, with quite literally NOTHING to do. Being forced to spend time with the people we live with?! What the fuck kind of request is that … it was unthinkable.
“Cristian,” I said,
LOL, as I now long for the days, he was home from work. Just the three of us trapped in the bubble that is our two-bedroom condo with the beautiful sunrise view of the pond. I grew to love this place during those few weeks. And I grew to love myself. The result … a love for life that I never before thought was possible. Never before thought I was missing!
I allowed myself to embrace the world’s shift entirely, as I hope you all did as well. Suppose you are here today, healthy, with food in your belly and loved ones to cherish. I am so happy for you, and I hope you know how lucky you are & grateful you should be. I hope you know how precious every moment in life is. Please grasp now that NOTHING in life goes according to plan, so I urge you to light those plans on fire. Get the fuck out of that mindset. Live for the people, the moments, the unknown. It is beautiful, welcoming; it is everything you never knew you needed and more.
I am transformed. From the pandemic to the summer of racial inequality and the push for change, I am transformed from elections to anxiety, to fear, to depression, to loss, to grief, joy, and abundance. I am transformed. If you are not, you are doing something wrong.
Well, I am no one and have no right to say that. But I am someone who becomes disabled with empathetic feelings, who has to retreat away from the news and media when I become overwhelmed with all I can’t change and everyone I can’t help. There is so much I want to do, so much to do, yet so much I don’t know how to do. How to change, where to start.
As I was in the shower, asking God why I was sick and when I would be better, I couldn’t help but escape my current feeling of dread and sickness for just a moment and
Not everyone I love has joined me here, but that is ok. That comes with change and knowing who you are. They will find me again. Yes, I know, that was a random statement to throw into the mix of what I have been typing about, but it is a testament to the past year. Some people need more time to absorb all that occurred, all the necessary growth, they are on a different path, and one day ours will conjoin again. But until then, I wish them peace, happiness, and the capacity to learn.
Pre pandemic, I was only home when I was on rip duty. I fled to anywhere that would accept my presence whenever I had the chance. Now, to my past self’s surprise, I am at peace in my home more than I ever thought I would be. Of course, it is not perfect; there are things I hate about these walls. Always bits and pieces I long to change. And decor I crave renewing. Yet, I am so content … I have landed in a 180 life from my pre-pandemic self.
A fresh mindset let the energy and forces of the world overcome me, catapulting me into a new realm of my existence. I love it here. In this space, I feel free, so happy, calm, excited, and refreshed. Creativity surfaced that I never knew I was capable of. Now, I have an outlook I always scoffed at when seeing it on others. The person I am today is entirely different, and though I will never be the same version of “me,” I am at this second, and I marvel at the changes. It is fascinating to reminisce on the girl, woman, the person I was just 16 months ago. I feel sorry for her, and I wish I could tell her the beauty that was to come.
✴︎ CLICK HERE TO READ⌇BATTLE THROUGH LIFE – A detailed glimpse at some of the battles I have faced over the past few years!
✴︎ CLICK HERE TO READ⌇ FRESH START – A post I wrote at the beginning of 2020. Check it out to see all the lessons I have learned!!!
✴︎ CLICK HERE TO READ⌇ BEING PRESENT & THE RHYTHMS OF LIFE – One of my all-time favorites!!
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