I have wanted to write this post for some time now, but my body freezes every time I start typing. Sounds dramatic, I’ll admit it, but it is very true hahaha — the motivation to write this came from a friend whose words and she will include her experiences. It was not until she started battling through similar things that I realized how much power we had in telling our story.
I have never been one to express my pain, mentally or physically. Carolyn neither, we met through sports, both extremely broken, in pain, SILENT pain, and only stopping when it was stopping or die basically. That is how both of us go through life – it is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we have so much strength to battle through this adversity and this unknown, but a curse because, in a way, we are our own worst enemies … but hey, it’s an uphill battle, right? Keep reading. I’ll explain →
Really fucking lonely. Chronic illness, mental illness, any problems or pain that are NOT expressed externally are the fucking worst. Excuse my language; it was necessary. ~don’t get me wrong – no one’s pain or suffering is worse than someone else’s, but when your pain is not visible, the world expects you to function as if nothing is wrong with you and it’s all in your head~
Truth be told – it was not until about a year ago at my neurologist that I realized the pain I feel daily is not normal. It sounds crazy, but literally, it took me 10 years to realize it is not normal to be in this much pain daily. HAHA, I still laugh at myself a year later for being so stupid.
Personally, and I could be very wrong, but I think up until the point my life basically crumbled in front of my eyes when I found out about Ripley, I was holding myself together pretty nicely. Well, if “nicely” is allowing myself to burn the fuck out which all the commitments I made to distract myself and others from the absolute crippling pain I endured daily. To the point, I had to schedule classes in the morning to force me up because if I didn’t get up by a certain time in the day … I physically would not be able to.
No one understood when I said my headache was beyond terrible, or when I said I needed to sit down before I pass out, or why I never wanted to go out. No one tried to understand a damn thing. Maybe this is because I was not fully vulnerable with anyone, so no one knew the extent of my pain, but it got to the point where I told myself no one would even care about my problems because everyone has shit going on, right?
Holding everything in and “faking it until you make it” is NOT going to work in the long run. It just prolongs your mental and physical breakdown. It happened to me. I thank God every day that I was young enough to fall, fail, and still have the support and ability to rebuild myself and move on with my life. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
on her attempt to battle through Lyme herself and show the world that she was holding everything together and was “just fine” ….
“We live in a world where we hide behind filters and editing tools in an effort to make our Instagram flawless so that people think we have a flawless life. Post on snapchat only when we are out at a party or watching a pretty sunset, never when we are crying or broken. Portraying to the world, only what we want the world to see.
But what if we didn’t hide behind social media? What if we told the world how it was. Would we still have the same number of friends? Would we still get the guys? What would people think of the real us?
I never thought about how much we battle to be perfect all the time…
Then I got sick and became obsessed with having the perfect life. Never showing weakness, and seeming like I had it all together. I dyed my hair blonder. Never went into public without makeup. Got a tattoo. Searched for the perfect jewelry. Drank more than I ever had, and beat up my body to work out before it was fully recovered.
All of this was in an effort to be perfect. But the thing is none of this made me happier or feel better about myself. It just made me feel worse, because I knew I was living a lie. This wasn’t me. I had never cared about my hair, if I am being honest most mornings I didn’t even brush it. I was the girl who did my makeup at the red light on the way to high school. Now I was doing a full face all the time, even for practice.”
Why is it that no one wants to show the world their true, vulnerable, authentic selves? Why is it so hard for people to have EMPATHY for others? What are the positive outcomes of suppressing your trauma and emotions until you reach a point of explosion?
I plan, with Carolyns help, I hope, to create a mini ~series~ about our health issues, battles with doctors, minds, and loved ones, and everything in between to show people it’s not all bad to share you are going through. Personally, I have major, MAJOR respect for anyone who is their true selves every day. It helps understand them as people. It helps you understand why someone does the things they do, you know?
Just something to think about ☀︎︎
✦ CLICK HERE TO READ ⌇being present & the rhythms of life
✴︎ CLICK HERE TO READ ⌇be happy with the struggle
✦ also, follow Candy’s fun IG account full of positivity and sunshine ☀︎︎
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